April 11, 2012

Treading Water

We've celebrated a number of meaningful occasions since I last posted: a year in our house, Mac turning two and a half, a month since Mary Brooks' surgery, our inaugural dinner out as a family of four, our return to church service and, of course, MB's first Easter.

Truth be told, I've been exhausted lately. It's hard to put my finger on why, as our little champion has been sleeping through the night most nights fabout two weeks now. (Can you believe it? So thankful, even if it never happens again. What a gift.)

More than a physical sense of tiredness, I feel spent emotionally. I'm trying my hardest to finish up thank you notes and send out Mary Brooks' birth announcement, and I realize now it's a task I've put off for a reason.

I adore sending notes and pride myself on doing it well, and in a timely fashion. These thank you notes, however, have been the exception. I rely entirely on scribbled lists, names hurriedly written into my dayplanner, notes I kept during times at the hospital when my heart was barely beating and my brain had left my body.

Reliving the week has been emotional as I recall what people did for us and, honestly, I'm not that great at accepting help. Especially the kind of help we've had.

How could I ever repay anyone? Or truly thank them in a way that reflects how deep and consuming my gratitude is? I struggle to find the words.

This day has been a flurry of activity. At one point I was nursing Mary Brooks, taking a phone call and unloading the dishwasher at the same time. Life can be something like a sitcom on occasion, can't it?

Today was work emails, last-minute accountant phone calls, errands, pro bono work I shouldn't have agreed to do, picking up produce, catching up on thinking about catching up on laundry, despairing at the disarray of my house, sifting through medical paperwork, making arrangements for Mary Brooks' dedication and, at the top of my list, visiting the surgeon for MB's one month follow-up.

Hearing our surgeon's voice brought me back to last month in a heartbeat. I was glad to get a good report (our growing girl gained nearly a pound in ten days!) but a little thrown off by the fact of the matter: Mary Brooks' birth defect and the life-threatening condition that resulted from it were both repaired. There are, however, issues to monitor and aspects of this that need to enter my brain on a daily basis.

I was so on board with the 'signed, sealed, delivered and done' mindset that it never occurred to me we'd need to come back for a six month visit....or more.

Bottom line: Mary Brooks is recuperating beautifully, but she is recuperating. She did have major surgery. It was a scary time.

There's no sweeping that under the rug, no matter how many thank you notes I put off or how many details of last month I choose to forget.

If I repeat the same stories to you, or forget we've spoken entirely, or appear in public remarkably unkempt, please forgive me. I'm forgetting things left and right, receiving reminder emails about things I've already been told three times, and generally feeling like I'm underwater.

I took a moment to come up for air and now I'm choosing to tread water. I may not make much headway this week, but I'm still moving.

I can't wait to catch up on things outside of my own rattled brain and I promise to do that soon. For now, I'm thankful I'm in my own home with Bradley, our two sweet children and a dog who is quite certain he's the smartest one here. He just might be.

I'm planning to wrap up MB's hospital story this week to get it off of my chest and out of my head.

After that, there are SO many things to discuss. I keep reading and seeing things I want to share but putting them off 'til I wrap up this "season" of frenetic activity. That wrap up may never come to be, so eventually life will have to continue as normal. I'm starting to wonder if normal is just a thing we tell ourselves exists.

Do you ever feel this crazy? I'm surprised I'm stringing words into sentences these days!


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