I love America.

I really do. But I have good reason to believe that I am the only proud citizen of our great United States who is not obsessed with talking about, watching, or talking about watching the Olympics.

Despite my love of all folks sequined, tiny and looping themselves speedily around a pair of uneven bars, I have seen nary a moment of this year's festivities or competitions. Not gymnastics, not synchronized swimming, not even handball. This is a serious downfall in my hope of becoming Stephen Colbert's second in command. Clearly I do not love America enough.


Or perhaps I just have a bee in my bonnet about the games' location this year. Communist China? Really? Human rights violations, blatant censorship, no plain turkey sandwiches with Baked Lays in sight - the list goes on.

Are you watching? Are you loving it? Am I an awful American?

P.S. I do still read the recaps. Hooray for Michael Phelps and Dara Torres. Go USA! But I'm still not watching. Feel free to attack my patriotism, call me a weirdo or banish me from eating any freedom fries in the near future. That'd probably do me some good anyhow - have you seen those gymnasts in their itty-bitty velvet and spandex outfits?